Sunday, November 7, 2010

Misty Watercolor Memories? Probably Not.

Sometimes it seems impossible to do the daily blogging thing because I have no idea what it is I should talk about... I mean, sometimes my day was just not interesting enough to post about. Then I get to thinking what I could post about, in lieu of the daily nonsense. I hardly doubt anyone really cares what I had to eat to today, especially if that is the only thing worth telling you all about. So here I sit, considering which story from my youth or life I should share... considering so many are just not appropriate to tell other people about. For now, I will just start rambling and eventually a subject will come from it.

For one; Laura is an amazing friend.

When I was younger, I was never able to decide what I wanted to be when I grew up, and now that I am grown up, not a whole lot has changed. I am the kind of person who wants to see all and experience all and love life. It seems so immature when I look at it as a "grown up" because I am almost thirty; I should have some sort of idea of what I would like to do with the rest of my life, right? I like to write, I like to be around people, I like sales, I like animals, I like acting, I like singing, I like everything. And I have done a lot in my life... just nothing has stuck yet, except maybe the writing and I am finding it impossible to finish what I start. I know that with some soul searching, I'll figure it out. I just need to set aside the time to do that.

The one thing I think I can be thankful for is that I am no longer an angry person. I used to have the meanest mouth of anyone I knew, willing to scream in anyone's face no matter the consequence. I have been in so many fights, physical and otherwise, and I have taken pieces from the people I fought so they would never want to fight me ever again. I don't know if that was because I was so small and people thought less of me because of it or if it was because I just disliked myself so much. I think that in a way it was both. I wasn't willing to let people take me down a peg because I was feeling as low as I could get anyway. I can't believe I don't have ulcers from the amount of anger and resentment I carried around with me, and that I deserve friends at all.

I am thankful for the friends I have, and for the family I have created for myself. I find myself missing those who are not here, but reside in my heart. I am so glad I lost whatever nasty chip I had so that I could enjoy the wonderful people I surround myself with now. Ten years ago, you all wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me, I'm sure of it.

I think that's why, recently, I found myself so upset by a person who started an argument with me on a Facebook link I posted. He was attacking things that I had said, took them out of context, and put words in my mouth making me out to be this terrible person... I left that person behind so long ago, I am not going to pay for those days anymore. That's just self-defeating. He made me feel like all I do is hurt for the sake of hurting people, and I am not her anymore. When I dug that hole for myself, I buried my old self in it and never looked back. I love me, now. And I love all of you.

Good night my lovelies. I hope you are warm and safe somewhere.

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