Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Bridge Under Construction

Well, I am feeling about at 85% now in comparison to this morning, so I suppose I have to guess that it was a 24 hour bug. I am thankful for that much at least.

Tonight, my daughter hugged Dustin for real for the first time in many years. I think she is slowly (and finally) starting to come around to the fact that he will be sticking around. After six years, I would like to think so. I think somehow since her father and I divorced, she has worried that things aren't permanent and that change is a bad thing. Maybe she has always felt that deep down, she couldn't get comfortable with Dustin and get to love him, or he would go away too. I guess I kind of remember feeling like that when my mom was dating too. The difference between our situations is that my mom just kept on remarrying, and I really think Dustin and I are in it for the long haul... or at least I hope so. I do have to say that that was something that I really needed, deep down, in my heart; to see her laughing, and hugging him, and feeling okay about it.

As she gets older, she is learning more from him. He taught her how to rock and boulder climb, how to be artistic, how to laugh at yourself. I am sure that I have taught her these types of things too, but he teaches her differently. He might be a big kid himself sometimes, so I guess he relates to her like that.

I need her to understand that some men will be permanent. I need her to understand that not all relationships fail. I need her to understand that true love does exist, you just might not get it right the first time around. I want her to find love with a man that makes her blood boil, sometimes in anger and sometimes in passion. I want her to know that you can start again, and that getting up and dusting yourself off is the right thing to do. I also need her to know nothing was ever her fault and that she doesn't have to be angry because sometimes things go wrong.

It's hard to raise a child when you're divorced. It's hard when they ask why you no longer love their other parent. I don't like having to tell her that her dad wasn't the right guy for me. I have to keep from her the things he did that hurt me, and the things I did to hurt him in the end. I don't know that I'll ever really tell her about the things that stabbed at me along the way, and what finally broke our relationships. I am content with the fact that tonight, she gave Dustin a hug. Tonight a plank was laid down on a bridge that is being constructed. Tonight I can go to sleep just a little happier.

Good night my friends. I hope you have something to make you smile tonight too.