Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Sound of Her Feet

The sounds. The sounds of soft claps against the pavement. My feet moving forward, ever forward.

I know that about this time of year, people are starting to bring themselves to task, making resolutions-- promises for the future. They are recounting the year past and planning for the year ahead. This is where we differ. I don't plan, I just do. I have goals, but they are spoken only to me so I am the only one who can hold me accountable when I fail or succeed. So many things have come into the forefront. Fears, jitters, happiness, sadness; I am a mass of swirly, gut-wrenching emotion. Right, left, right, left, right, left.

Money is and will probably always be an issue, so I have just put the sound of it on MUTE. I can't devote energy to something that is a constant like that because it is just dragging me under this spinning and sucking eddy. It becomes a white noise in the forward momentum and I breathe and remember that it is no more serious now than it has been.

While others are planning their year down to the letter-- a pound here or there, a plan for this or that-- I have decided that 2012 should bring new and interesting and TALE back into my life.

After too many years to name, I decided that, on a whim, I was going to try out for a musical. My brother told me that he had been asked to audition for Avenue Q and that I should come up with an audition piece for it as well... IN FOUR DAYS. They wanted you to prepare 24 bars of a song (with sheet music) and be prepared to sing it at the audition. I printed mine off the morning of the audition. Yes, the morning of. I walked into that audition with a belly full of snakes and my sheet music in my hand, a genuine smile plastered on my face. Mostly, I was just thrilled for the opportunity. I let them know that I was new to the production and that I had only heard about it recently and had printed the music off that morning, so my singing piece wasn't really polished. They let me look at the words to the song while singing the song "Macavity" from the Broadway musical Cats. I faltered a bit at the start, but gained confidence with it as we went along. The director asked why I was not in musical theater, and I told him that during the summer I kind of am. I felt pretty confident walking out the stage doors that I was going to get a second audition-- and I DID!

I was asked to return for a Call Back auditioning the LEAD ROLE as Kate Monster with the song "There's a Fine, Fine Line". I feel like it might be a touch high for my range but I am going to do ME, because it's all I've got. I suppose it's gotten me into great roles before and if nothing else, I just want to be a part of the show. That doesn't make me any less nervous about it, but there you go. Left, right, left, right, left, right.

Sometimes paths take forks, and this post will too. Sometimes it's not the steps, but the footprints. My daughters make me so proud. Every time they say things like "money doesn't matter", "I want to change the world, mommy" and then my youngest (the smallest in her entire kindergarten class) gets into an argument with another girl in line while waiting to go into the school and begin her day. I was sure that this was going to end in furious, frustrated tears and was pleasantly surprised when instead I hear my daughter's voice ring out in undeniable logic-- "You can think what you think about it and I can think what I think about it." I feel like I am doing my job well.

Forward momentum... my feet are calloused with the journey, but I will walk on.

Welcome back, my dears. Be prepared to be bombarded with the amalgam that is my mind. I have a lot to say.

Welcome Back... not Kotter.

Oh, roller coaster of life... you are a strange and mystical creature.

So I am sure some of you are wondering where the hell I have been, why I dropped off the face of the Bloggersphere for a while, what's been new in my life. or maybe you haven't, and that's okay too.

The truth of the matter is that I felt harassed. I felt harassed by politics, harassed by some random "Anonymous" asshole, harassed by life in general and really I shouldn't have let it get to me the way I did. I abandoned something that I created because I worried I wasn't going to measure up and keep people interested. I feared that "Anonymous" may decide to come back and try to air my dirty laundry again. I felt nervous about posting anything at all personal anymore because someone was going to try and use it against me.

Well, fuck that.

I am not hiding anymore. I am here. I am me. Don't like it? Screw you too.

In the blog posts that follow, I am going to go back to the same old eclectic, random, oddness I have always been about. I am going to be uncensored, political, funny, daring, scared... all the things this blog used to be as an outlet for me. At this point I don't care what the comments have in store for me, but I won't be allowing comments without moderation.

Let the good times roll.

And, because my day needed a good laugh, fellow blogger Martha May over at Making Shit Happen sent me a HILARIOUS photo bomb that I appear in where she is attempting to take a nice picture with Neil Gaiman, and I am being ridiculous in the background. I have to say, this made my otherwise very lame day. (Pictured above)