Monday, February 1, 2010

The inner workings

Got on a rant today about things that upset me... on accident. Was talking to a good friend about my mom and really got myself a little pissed off. I know that I should love, honor, and obey my mother and all that, but just thinking about her makes me angry at times. I want to have that feel good relationship with her but I just can't bring myself to do it.

When most people say, "My mom is crazy," we tend to feel a little bad for them. I never do, because my mom is certifiably nuts. I got to spend the bulk of my first pregnancy taking care of my mom when she was in and out of the psych ward and doped up on so many different drugs she couldn't function. I have broken my back cleaning my mom's house because she just gave up caring about it. I have loaned my mom money when the paltry sum she gets for Social Security doesn't pay out for her frivolous and ridiculous spending habits. Five dollars here, ten dollars there. I had to take my brother in when my mom decided that an alcoholic boyfriend was more important.

No. I don't want sympathy. I don't want advice on what to do about it, and I don't want anyone feeling like they know me a little better now.

I want people to understand that at times I cringe because someone has said that they know my mom from "that coffee shop downtown". "Does she ever go home?" "What does she do there all day?" I don't have the answers. I try to stay out of it. I just don't want people to associate the way she is with the way I am. I want them to understand that I am the way I am, and she is the way she is. There's really no common ground any more.

Don't take all this the wrong way either. I love my mom. My mom gave me life, and shares my blood. I just don't respect her and I am trying to figure out how to do that and keep my own integrity. I want to help without enabling. I want to find a balance.

That's all for now I think. Sorry about the rant.


  1. No sympathy, but maybe a little empathy. It ain't easy. (Mine's "functionally" crazy; large animals would be put down by her medicine cabinet.) It does make it more difficult to love unconditionally when you're more of a mom than she is.

    By the way, I've been feeding your fish.

  2. I am really glad that someone feeds those fish. It helps me think. ;)

    Yeah, I know what you mean about the meds. There's one of each flavor and color in my mom's cabinet. And I don't hate her for it or anything, it just... disappoints and embarrasses me, I guess.