Friday, February 5, 2010

Thank you sir, may I have another?

Well, I guess I get to add another great friend to the ranks of people who are growing up and moving away (see: joining the military). I am not really sure what the draw is for some people, and for others it is more than obvious... it's just not a choice I can make for my family.

As much as I ache and itch for the big city once more, the unfortunate truth is that my daughter comes from a "broken" family and because we share custody, neither of us will be going anywhere anytime soon. Perhaps if she were old enough to make the choice of who she wanted to live with it might be a different story but the sad fact is that I never want her to have to choose. My brothers and I were put through that and I don't want that for my little girl. You feel like you are betraying one or the other when you have to make a choice like that, and a kid needs both parent in their lives.

The other issue is that so many of my friends and family are here, and my daughter's family from her dad. I want her to be able to have family nearby because I was never able to do that. Besides, my fiance's family is here as well, and our little girl needs her family too.

It's so hard. I am a big city girl living in a small city.

It's not that Janesville is a tiny place in the middle of nowhere, it's just that the diversity here never changes... and with GM shutting down, the place is sort of going to crap. Moving here from Madison was hard enough and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

The truth is that I need to spread out my wings some. I need to be able to stretch and grow and see new things so that I have things to write. I need the new to spark what's in there. I think that that is why I want this job at Ren Faire so much. It would really add to the things that I have done and accomplished, seen and experienced, touched and lived through. It's an endeavor such as I have never done and my brain really needs the change of pace. School, while enjoyable, is monotonous and the walls of my house get smaller everyday.

This doesn't mean that I want to go out and "be all that I can be". Quite the opposite, actually. My dad was in the Army and we moved almost quarterly, it seemed. I was constantly having to make new friends, see new things, all that. And while it made me the person I am now, I really do enjoy the root structure I have made for the kids. Frankly, I have no reason to leave just yet.

I am going to miss them so much... but they are family, they'll come home to me.

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