Friday, January 22, 2010


You're still here, eh? Glad I didn't scare you off yet.

So it's the wee hours of Saturday and I have something to do that I don't really want to. I am hoping that if I put off sleep I won't wake to the horror of finally saying good bye to someone who was ripped from her children far too soon. From birth control. Sickening.

Started talking to a friend about what high school was like for me. It dredged up all these crap memories... like plunging a toilet that obstinately overflows with sick. Ugh. I don't blame her or anything. She couldn't possibly know what that place was like for me. People skirting me in the halls... I think they sensed a darkness I wore on the outside to protect me from them. Because they knew where to stab to make the blood flow most freely. They knew where to poke and prod to get a reaction, and get a reaction they did. If there weren't fists flying, then there was always an explosion, an outburst of obscenities that backed them up a few paces... enough for an out most times, other times it had to end in violence which is probably why I hate violence so much now. Moving on...

Why is it that our bodies need physical affirmation so much? I went years without so much as a hug from my mom and now that I am older, just the simplicity of human touch sends electricity over my body. It's not even a sexual thing... just a reassurance. A reassurance that I really am here. That two bodies can connect and not ignite. That lips can touch and no one gets hurt. I touch the faces of my children and feel my blood coursing there. I smell their hair and somehow know that there is meaning left in the world. Touching people makes people uncomfortable. It's weird but I like to reach out and touch people's clothing, feel their hair... it weirds them out a bit, but I do it anyway. The most I have earned is a dirty look until I tell them that I love their shirt, their hair is so beautiful... but I need that sometimes. Just to feel another presence. To bump the bubble of my reality against theirs.

I still don't want to sleep, but I know I must. I have to. Maybe more coffee... No. Sleep. Good night lovelies. Until tomorrow.

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