Thursday, January 21, 2010

The First Thing That Pops into my Head

All the oddness that was once there is now gone. I knew something was up before the conversation started... hell... days before. He stopped talking about wanting to be the love of my life and maybe wanting to be in love with someone else. This is important to me. A milestone if you will. He asked me permission to move on and date other people; A.) as if he needed to, and B.) as if I could do anything at all to stop him. I felt like everything had come full circle somehow, and it was dizzying. Here I was, years ago, begging for something cosmic to tell him that I needed him, with no answer. Fast forward to now and that answer is, in a nutshell, "It's not going to happen for us right now, move on." And I think I am really okay with that. Really. Kind of.

On another topic, I have decided that life is not at all how you perceive at times. For example, I have a couple kittens I am looking to re-home and as I am examining one that I had once perceived as black, she turned out to be not black, really, but dark brown with stripes and spots. Funny old world, isn't it? It makes me wonder what other minute details I have missed along the way because I took something as mundane and let it slip right past. It will certainly be the catalyst for change in the days ahead.

Next thing that pops into my head is nervousness. I have an audition for a part coming up and I dread it. I am not exactly sure WHY yet, but I just know I am scared... You know that "all the blood rushes into your feet and you feel sick" feeling? Yeah, pretty much have that covered. Oddly though, it has pushed me to start practicing the part more and doing stretches and small bits of exercise... which I need anyway. The thing is, the part is for a fairy. Weird, huh? But I love them so very much. I love them inside, and I feel that I should have been born that way. But alas, I can only play pretend. But I NEED this part. In my soul I need it.

It's no longer night now, and I am weary. I have more to say but my brain is aching something awful. I may come back and elaborate more on this another time... I may not. Deal with it.

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