Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I know. I skipped a day. But yesterday was extremely busy for me. I got my new tattoo, which was meant to be a quarter sleeve and quickly turned into a half sleeve. While it's not quite done yet, and pictures don't do it justice, the tattoo is breathtaking. I sat in the chair just enjoying the pain and solitude of it all. The artist sat with his buds in his ears and went into "the zone" and I did pretty much the same. I even had to stop myself from sleeping a few times because I was nervous that I would jerk awake and screw him up. I was there for five hours and ended up with something that will make me smile every time I look at it. I shot a copy of it to Neil Gaiman and he approves, so now I am looking for the artist's contact information so that I can shoot her a copy of the finished product. I love it so much.

I would recommend this artist to everyone, and I did, several times this evening. He was so light handed and made me absolutely comfortable while doing the tattoo.

So the next question you have is, "What about when you're at work?" Well, sadly she'll be covered, but I did this more for me than anyone else. If other people see her, that is pretty inconsequential to me. I have no issues with having her protected from the sun anyway. I know I will be dolloping on the sunscreen this summer!

My fiance was also tattooed today, and it was interesting going through the process together. It seemed almost symbolic, but that could be me reading into things a bit too far. Needless to say, his piece is just as gorgeous as mine... but I love mine more.

I think that's about it for me for now. It's 5:30 in the morning and I have stuff to do later today, so I am going to get what sleep I can. Much love to you.

Oh noes!

I almost completely forgot about you!! Today was a pretty good day, all in all. I am working on memorizing my monologue which is so HARD!! I guess I shouldn't expect to have it all down right away, but I am considering adding some other things to the memorization process. For one, I am watching Liz Taylor's abridged version at least once per day (today I watched it like six times) as well as writing it down at least once per day. I added typing it out as well as physically writing it just this evening. I have a voice recorder that I think I may use to record myself reciting the monologue as well. If any of you awesome people knows of another trick for remembering monologues, I sure would love to hear them. (I am a kinsthetic learner, if that helps at all.)

Dustin decided to buy himself a Playstation 3 today, which is pretty awesome... but now he wants me to get quotes on homeowner's insurance because we have a lot of things of value in here. And no, that's not an offer to come and knock off my house. :P

My daughter's sleep schedule is just about as off as mine is, which sucks. It's really hard to get decent sleep when I am trying to get her back on schedule as well. If this stuff continues for the weekend, I am pretty sure I am going to have to keep her up until she and I crash hard at a decent hour. I don't know what else to do at this point. Sleeping these weird hours is making me a crazy person.

I got to thinking about other things that I need for auditions, and I need to keep in mind how many days I have left to get things done. As January comes to a close, I need to make sure that I have all my ducks in a row, as it were. I really need to get on that resume! I guess I am going to try and get some little bit of sleep, but you have yourself a lovely day. Much love.

Wow, look at that! A longer post!

If there's one thing I have come to realize about life, it's that you really and sincerely don't have to do anything. I don't want you to think that I am psycho or anything, but you don't even have to live if you don't want to. (Before I continue, I most certainly do want to live, so don't get any silly ideas there.) The reason that this comes to mind is that lately I have been putting myself through some mental crap that I really don't have to. I have allowed certain circumstances overcome my better judgment, and have allowed those things to make me feel bad about me. Unacceptable.

I don't have to put myself through things that hurt or destroy me just to help another person out. I decided that, from now on, I am taking distance with situations more seriously. I need to learn when to stop letting things make me feel like less than what I am. I have always been the kind of person who keeps my hand in the fire, regardless of the consequence, in order to do for other people. This time, I just can't abide it. That being said, I feel better about my decision already.

On another note, I have selected a couple of head shots taken of me which I think are simply beautiful. I have paid for them and they are on their way to me in the next 6-10 days. This is all starting to become really real to me now. I am really going to do this audition. I am really going to fight for this part.


Talked to my good friend about it all again tonight, and damn does he know how to put me at ease about it. He said he is going to keep telling me that I am going to be awesome until I believe him... and you know what? I think I really am starting to. Talked with him about abridging the monologue a bit and he told me that that is perfectly acceptable, which I was very happy about. I am supposed to keep it as close to two minutes as I can, and I think Liz Taylor's version may suit just fine, since I am going to be nervous and talking a lot faster anyway. When and if I get a part at Faire, I will name my good friend. He and another person (whom I shall refer to as Miguel... he'll know what that means) have really made this thing start to happen for me. Everything from building my confidence for the role and helping answer a billion and a half questions that I have about formal auditions, as I have not auditioned for a role since high school, and monologues were not part of the process.

I am going to start watching Liz's bit at least twice a day in order to memorize what she has done for the part. Also, I figure if I either type it or write it out at least once a day, that will help me to memorize it as well.

All in all, it has been a wonderful day. I am getting my quarter sleeve done in a few days (see: 63 hours from now) and I am SUPER stoked about that. Getting a check in the mail will be nice as well because I will finally have some money to get my car fixed, which is going to be my mode of transport this summer. Thinking I had better save out a few hundred for the "just in casies" which always seem to jump out of the bushes and onto my back.

I sincerely hope that, for those of you who are reading, that you are at least sort of enjoying your glimpse into my mind. Leave a comment if you'd like... or don't... but it's been nice unloading.

Until next time, my love.

A quickie

Tonight (this morning) my post is going to be a short one, because I feel like I might have more to say later on... and probably more interesting as well.

The one thing I have figured out about myself is that I really don't know how to be alone. I don't do well when I am by myself, and I constantly long for human companionship. I don't know if that makes me a codependent person, as I do function without people, but I certainly like having them around. I have been watching Solitary on Hulu, and it has really made me think about what my thresholds are. They put these people through some psychotic tests, while they are alone, with no one cheering them on. And that is one of the ways that I feel that I am codependent. I have always had a need for constant reassurance, and I never turn down a pat on the back. The weird thing is that I really don't mind whether anyone reads this or not. In that, I don't require reassurance.

Mostly for my own reference...

I swear that my postings occur later and later each time. The problem is that either I just put it off until the last minute or I really have nothing to say, which is honestly a new experience for me. I wanted to have this as a way to sort out my day and talk through the problems that I have but the issue is that I really don't retain a lot of anger for a very long time. With that in mind, the rest might seem like rambling.

My fiance seems to be getting home later and later all the time this season. I know that once spring starts to wend its way, he'll get home earlier but for now the solitude of each day without adult conversation is making me a crazy person.... well... more crazy than I normally am. So I spend a lot of time on Facebook talking to random people.

Had a great conversation with a friend and performer from Faire who really put my mind a little more at ease about my audition. He gave me a small list of things that I should and should not do in order to do a better job at the audition. For my own memory purposes, I have decided to include those things along with the list of requirements that I was sent by the Bristol Ren Faire auditors.

(My audition is on Feb. 20th in the time slot of 3:10 - 4:40pm and I am supposed to show up 15 minutes prior to my audition slot.)

• Do not show up in costume. You are not a character.
  
• Do memorize a monologue. (Though the part I am auditioning for does not require a monologue, it is a good idea to be as useful as possible in case I don't get that part. I have selected Kate's monologue from Taming of the Shrew. I plan to include that monologue at the end of this post for my own reference.)
• Bring a head shot. (I have selected a KILLER head shot from Night Owl Photography in 5X7 B/W that was taken last summer.)
• Bring the Interest Form to the audition.
• Bring a performance resume. (This one is going to be a little more tricky, as I don't have a lot of experience in the field. I need to get on doing this.)
• Bring a copy of my I.D.
• Select a song to perform ("dance") to, and bring along a CD of the selected music.
• Select a song to sing. (Since I don't require background music, I can decide this one closer to the date of audition.)

I am nervous yet hopeful about all of this. I think I have what it takes, I just have to push myself. Here is Kate's monologue for those of you interested in what it is. The premise of Kate is that she is an outspoken, sharp-tongued, and headstrong woman who refuses to be broken. It is my assumption that the words of this monologue are almost spoken with a poison in them, and very sarcastically. I think that all suits me pretty well. Enjoy.

KATE: Fie, fie, unknit that threat'ning unkind brow

And dart not scornful glances from those eyes

To wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor.

It blots thy beauty as frosts do bite the meads,

Confounds thy fame as whirlwinds shake fair buds,

And in no sense is meet or amiable.

A woman moved is like a fountain troubled,

Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty,

And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty

Will deign to sip or touch one drop of it.

Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,

Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee

And for thy maintenance; commits his body

To painful labor both by sea and land,

To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,

Whilst thou li'st warm at home, secure and safe;

And craves no other tribute at thy hands

But love, fair looks, and true obedience--

Too little payment for so great a debt.

Such duty as the subject owes the prince,

Even such a woman oweth to her husband;

And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,

And not obedient to his honest will,

What is she but a foul contending rebel

And graceless traitor to her loving lord?

I am ashamed that women are so simple

To offer war where they should kneel for peace,

Or seek for rule, supremacy, and sway,

Whey they are bound to serve, love, and obey.

Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth,

Unapt to toil and trouble in the world,

But that our soft conditions and our hearts

Should well agree with our external parts?

Come, come, you froward and unable worms,

My mind hath been as big as one of yours,

My heart as great, my reason haply more,

To bandy word for word and frown for frown.

But now I see our lances are but straws,

Our strength as weak, our weakness past compare,

That seeming to be most which we indeed least are.

Then vail your stomachs, for it is no boot,

And place your hands below your husband's foot,

In token of which duty, if he please,

My hand is ready, may it do him ease.

Blank

Which just about sums up what my mind happens to be at this very moment... but with a dash of hope, a pinch of luck, and at least three cups of bullshit, this might turn out to be a posting worth reading....

I think I better add another pinch of luck.

I find it hilarious in my own little way that perhaps one person aside from myself reads this *wave*. I can afford very little time for it, and it is usually something that I do before I go to bed (usually at some ridiculous hour of the night and tweaked out on plenty of caffeine). That said, it seems to have helped me ground myself a bit, and maybe helped me to center my thoughts as the days go on.

I dreamed last night that my boyfriend lived in a fish tank. At times the fish tank was huge and he was swimming around in it, helping the plant life and fish to breed and making himself useful. At other times the fish tank encompassed only his head so he looked like a head in a jar surrounded by small, strange, and flashing little fish. I really don't know what the hell that means aside from the fact that I did have a few adult beverages before I went to sleep. Freud would probably believe that it meant something like I want to have sex with a mermaid or something... and now I think of that, it doesn't sound half bad. (Oh god. Didn't realize how punny that was until it was already written out. Fuck it. It stays.)

So I was telling you about that fairy job I want for the summer. Yeah, I wanna talk some more about that. But before I do, I am going to post a picture.
The picture over here on the left is of my new friend Tegan. She (in this picture) is portraying a character she has named Nixie (a water fairy). Can you see why it is that I need this so badly? It is exactly the type of thing that I need to be doing. It is what I always dreamed of.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am no stranger to costume. I have designed, crafted, and become Seline, a snow leopard. I have been able to really and truly become her just as I would be able to really and truly become one of these lovely creatures. I think I can get the part because I truly have the part in my soul. That little fae thing. That bit of magic. Here's a picture of Seline that I love so you get a bit of an idea of what I am going on about.

The point I am trying to make here is that I am a right fit for the part. I have plans for this thing that make no sense to anyone but me, but I am willing to throw myself into it utterly. A dedication like that which I show my own children. I need this. And I intend to get it.

Saturday...

You're still here, eh? Glad I didn't scare you off yet.

So it's the wee hours of Saturday and I have something to do that I don't really want to. I am hoping that if I put off sleep I won't wake to the horror of finally saying good bye to someone who was ripped from her children far too soon. From birth control. Sickening.

Started talking to a friend about what high school was like for me. It dredged up all these crap memories... like plunging a toilet that obstinately overflows with sick. Ugh. I don't blame her or anything. She couldn't possibly know what that place was like for me. People skirting me in the halls... I think they sensed a darkness I wore on the outside to protect me from them. Because they knew where to stab to make the blood flow most freely. They knew where to poke and prod to get a reaction, and get a reaction they did. If there weren't fists flying, then there was always an explosion, an outburst of obscenities that backed them up a few paces... enough for an out most times, other times it had to end in violence which is probably why I hate violence so much now. Moving on...

Why is it that our bodies need physical affirmation so much? I went years without so much as a hug from my mom and now that I am older, just the simplicity of human touch sends electricity over my body. It's not even a sexual thing... just a reassurance. A reassurance that I really am here. That two bodies can connect and not ignite. That lips can touch and no one gets hurt. I touch the faces of my children and feel my blood coursing there. I smell their hair and somehow know that there is meaning left in the world. Touching people makes people uncomfortable. It's weird but I like to reach out and touch people's clothing, feel their hair... it weirds them out a bit, but I do it anyway. The most I have earned is a dirty look until I tell them that I love their shirt, their hair is so beautiful... but I need that sometimes. Just to feel another presence. To bump the bubble of my reality against theirs.

I still don't want to sleep, but I know I must. I have to. Maybe more coffee... No. Sleep. Good night lovelies. Until tomorrow.

Really?

Why the hell are you reading this? Are you some sort of voyeur? Do you enjoy watching the inner workings of a possibly crazy person? Well, alright then. Why didn't you just say so?

The First Thing That Pops into my Head

All the oddness that was once there is now gone. I knew something was up before the conversation started... hell... days before. He stopped talking about wanting to be the love of my life and maybe wanting to be in love with someone else. This is important to me. A milestone if you will. He asked me permission to move on and date other people; A.) as if he needed to, and B.) as if I could do anything at all to stop him. I felt like everything had come full circle somehow, and it was dizzying. Here I was, years ago, begging for something cosmic to tell him that I needed him, with no answer. Fast forward to now and that answer is, in a nutshell, "It's not going to happen for us right now, move on." And I think I am really okay with that. Really. Kind of.

On another topic, I have decided that life is not at all how you perceive at times. For example, I have a couple kittens I am looking to re-home and as I am examining one that I had once perceived as black, she turned out to be not black, really, but dark brown with stripes and spots. Funny old world, isn't it? It makes me wonder what other minute details I have missed along the way because I took something as mundane and let it slip right past. It will certainly be the catalyst for change in the days ahead.

Next thing that pops into my head is nervousness. I have an audition for a part coming up and I dread it. I am not exactly sure WHY yet, but I just know I am scared... You know that "all the blood rushes into your feet and you feel sick" feeling? Yeah, pretty much have that covered. Oddly though, it has pushed me to start practicing the part more and doing stretches and small bits of exercise... which I need anyway. The thing is, the part is for a fairy. Weird, huh? But I love them so very much. I love them inside, and I feel that I should have been born that way. But alas, I can only play pretend. But I NEED this part. In my soul I need it.

It's no longer night now, and I am weary. I have more to say but my brain is aching something awful. I may come back and elaborate more on this another time... I may not. Deal with it.

Hey, where'd you get that name?

To be honest with you, when I sat thinking of a blog name, I thought more about intent than anything else. I figured that what I write may only make sense to me and that no one else may ever read this... and that's okay. It seemed to me that what I would write would eventually start to clear my mind of all the useless or sometimes useful things in it. I could write one day about ponies, another about fear, yet another about the way things taste. It feels freeing to be able to write ANYTHING.

What I am trying to achieve here is transference. A transference of stains on my mind to an electronic medium to share with others. Or with no one.

I want to try and write here everyday... the problem is the commitment of it. I get bored with things easily which makes commitment an issue. I am going to try and marry this blog. I am going to try to keep you all entertained with the randomness of me. I wish to empty some of the crazy things I keep locked up inside my mind that distract me from everything else I am meant to be doing. I also need to get used to writing every day so I can finish this damn novel.

I feel weird though, like something is off... I don't know what it is. It's something in the air maybe, and with so many other things going on, maybe I am just getting weird cosmic signals.

So that's the long and short version, as it is. Welcome, friend. Enjoy your first glance at the stains on my mind.