An Astrological Identity Crisis

Work it, girl!

Do you follow Astrology? I used to, but now I am not sure I should anymore. According to the "news" today (and I am guessing it's a slow day if this is what is making headlines this afternoon), we have all been thrown into an Astrological tailspin trying to understand our new identities, with the "debut" of a new sign; Ophiuchus. Sounds a bit like "tucchus" in my pronunciation, and this guy is no joke.

Also known as "Serpentarians", we of the new sign Ophiuchus may now look upon our star's depiction in awe and wonder; the guy is working that snake like a stripper working a feather boa instead of an actual one. Now, you might be thinking, 'What if I don't wanna be a Serpentarian?' Well, that's just too fucking bad. If you fall in the right time frame (Nov 29 - Dec 17) you are whether you want to be or not. And you're gonna like it, too.

So what about the rest of the world? The people already cozy in their astrological signs? Ha ha, fuckers! You get to change too. And some of you even get to be me. Or who I was... or whatever. Confused? Me too.

Because I like to be informed, I wanted to know what the personality traits of this "new" sign are;

• Many people are envious of this subject as he progresses well throughout life.  -And you should be, I mean, come on! We progress well through life. What about you other ones? Well, you just don't so take it like a grown up already.

• A seeker of wisdom and knowledge -Ah yes, because everyone else doesn't. We have the effing Monopoly on wisdom and knowledge. Read my previous posts for prime examples.

• Many people are jealous of this person -I am guessing it has something to do with the size of the snake really. Don't be jealous. Not everyone can have a snake as big as mine.

• Tends to go for the more flamboyant in dress sense, favoring bright colors. -Ah yes. This explains all that glitter I used to wear...

• Authority looks upon him well. -What choice do they have? We're the smart ones.

• Would make a great architect or builder. -Just like those lies of being a Sagittarius I have built around myself the last 30 years.

• Number 12 is this persons lucky number. -Because 12 is the number of signs there are in the Zodiac. Oh, you mean it's not? Well, shit.

• This person will have a big family but leave home at an early age. -Probably has something to do with the fact that your siblings were always jealous of your knowledge. And Lego building talents.

 So, you might be wondering, 'Why now?' Well, because we wanted that tattoo you got to make you feel extra stupid, that's why.

I'm not going to be the one to tell her...

Actually, it was decided 2000 years ago that this sign was going to be ignored altogether but a Minnesotan astronomer decided to point out (today) that astrology and astronomy just don't match up. This is due to the wobbly earth and the stars in the sky... and some other junk you can spend your own time looking up. Will it catch on as an actual sign? I doubt it. But in the meantime I don't know what to tell people when they ask, "What's your sign?" Maybe I will just totally stump them when I ask, "What's YOUR sign? Because you have been wrong all these years! And also, that is a lame fucking pick up line."

Did your own sign "change"? (And by change, I mean become astronomically correct.) Check out the list below.

The New Dates:
Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18 - May 13
Taurus: May 13 - June 21
Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20